TXA 21's Experts

With the highly anticipated premiere of “New Moon” in theaters tomorrow, millions of girls and women are once again lining up to enjoy the latest installment of the Twilight series. But why do women of all ages find the Twilight series so fascinating?

 

“Twilight” has captured the international female audience of all ages. What is the magic of these stories for women?

 

Vampire stories have generated female attention for hundreds of years and the Twilight series is the latest version of this psychological phenomenon.

 

• Sexual Tension: These stories have a well-crafted sexual tension that permeates every scene.  Gorgeous men, a darling heroine and the vampire theme all build the tension and intrigue.

 

• Women and Heartbreak: Women love romantic sagas. Every woman, at any phase of her life, can relate to at least one of these characters. We’ve all been adored, rejected, and reborn in a new love affair—even with the same partner-- at some point in our lives.

 

• The Shy Girl Wins: The central female lead, Bella, is naturally self-effacing, socially awkward, pale, uncoordinated and humble, which increases our identification with her. We love seeing her win when she captures the hearts of two superhero hunks.

 

• Dedicated Love: The Twilight series hits all the high points of a forbidden love that prevails against all odds. The competition is scintillating and women love to be fought for. This drama inspires our own hopes that a man will gift us with that kind of regard.

 

• Love in Peril: The stories also include all aspects of romantic love in peril—abandonment, attraction to a second hero, obsession with reunion, high-risk behavior and unconditional love.

 

Women love male leads who are dangerous and somewhat mysterious. Here’s why:

 

• Magnetic and Mysterious Men: Women love the magnetic, mysterious stranger who epitomizes charisma, self-confidence and super human sex appeal. Attractive people you just met can literally elevate your levels of the “romantic love” brain chemical, dopamine.

 

• Testosterone and Attractiveness: Women are attracted to assertive, intelligent, tall men with low voices who can kiss well.  They love guys with distinctive cheekbones, a strong jaw line, and a “V line physique” which all indicate high testosterone.

 

• Dangerous Passion: Danger stimulates passion. Women love the thrill of being saved and protected by men. In fact, studies show that spontaneous attraction can flare when adrenaline is flowing.

 

Most readers and fans of the series tend to pick one of the male leads to “cheer on.” You may wonder why the fans are so divided.

 

Women and girls are psychologically drawn to totally different types of men:

 

·         The Edward Cullen Effect: A woman loves the guy who listens without fail and soothes and reassures while cherishing every flaw she has. He is poetic in his affection. Women desire the unyielding devotion that never fades when life becomes ordinary. They love men who are protective, aloof, and sophisticated (loves classical music and has impeccable grooming.)

 

• The Jacob Black Rush: Jacob is all about fun and adventure and has a great group of friends. He rescued the heroine while campaigning for her affection. He is the king of adrenaline—always looking for new adventures such as riding motorcycles and extreme sports like cliff diving.

 

So, guys, what can you learn right now to change your relationship? Become a master of relating.

 

Masterful relating with women requires a rigorous dedication to emotionally intelligent communication that begins with rapport.

 

Here are the three rules of relating to women that work every time —look at her, talk to her, and coordinate your body language with hers.

 

Three Steps to Building Instant Rapport with Women:

 

1. Look at Her: The Eye Lock is amazing. Mutual and intense eye gazing is key for women in becoming attracted to a man.  Men who sweep their eyes (respectfully) over women can be arousing. Studies have found that even with total strangers continuous “eye lock” can lead to attraction.

 

1. Talk to Her: Ask questions and listen with utter attention. Remember that attention alone is not enough. Use a soothing tone of voice and pleasant facial expressions.

 

1.  Nonverbal Duet: Keep your movements precise, relaxed and open. Use the emotional “back channels” such as pacing, timing and animated body movements. People who are into each other appear engrossed, enchanted and elated with the conversation. Nothing else matters when they are together!

 

For more information on Dr. Gearing, please go to www.gearingup.com

 

Sources for this Story:

 

The Twilight Series by Stephenie Meyers

Social Intelligence by Daniel Goleman

Why We Love by Helen Fisher

 

Dr. Sylvia Gearing

With Thanksgiving right around the corner, we all really have alot to be thankful for. But I'm particularly thankful for a few things I noticed just these past few days.

For starters, I'm thankful that only in Texas do people still tailgate at meteor showers.

I'm also thankful that no matter what I have on, I will never be the worst dressed person at Walmart.

I'm especially thankful that while he was bowing to the Emperor of Japan, President Obama didn't point out to the emperor that his socks didn't match.

And even though we're in a recession, I'm thankful that NASA had an extra 79 million dollars to fire a missle to the moon to determine if there's water. Well, they found 25 gallons. Now that figures out to roughly three million dollars a gallon. And although that may seem like a huge waste of money, it's still cheaper than buying it at Central Market.

And last but certainly not least, I'm thankful that they've finally come up with some names for those new medical marijuana cafes out on the west coast. Personally, I like the names McMunchies, Tokey Romas, and To Cheech his Own. But my favorite is The International House of Pancakes..and Waffles...and Candy...and Ice Cream..and Cheetos..and more Cheetos...and maybe a Sandwich.

Anyway, have a happy Thanksgiving.

 

Heywood Savage

This was a question I got from 2 different female viewers, when I asked via Twitter for their relationship problems: “Why are men afraid of smart, well-educated, articulate, and driven women?”

Some men might be unsure of who they are and what their role is in this world, in work life and romantic life, and when those men are faced with a woman who “knows who she is and what she wants” and isn’t afraid to voice her opinion, they might think, well, she clearly doesn’t need me. What do I have to offer her? So, they don’t even try.

Of course, gender roles today are still evolving. Women are now more than ever used to making their own decisions as well as making their opinions known, just like men always have been. But, men still need to be needed, to know that they are important in the woman’s life. And women need to know when to say “I need help with this” or “I can’t do this alone.” Women also need to know that there are men out there who won’t need you to make yourself less than who you are in order for them to be happy.

First, to the men who want to pursue a relationship with a strong woman: understand that her being in control of her own life does not mean the same thing as her not having needs. She is still human and wants a connection with a romantic partner just like overtly “needy” people do.

Once you’re in the relationship, keep the balance of power equitable between you. Speak your mind, ask for what you need from her, and if you find yourself feeling intimidated, take a second to stop yourself from taking it out on her—this can be destructive to her and to your relationship. In other words, don’t make your insecurities her responsibility. It is a sign of strength when a man wants his partner to be as strong and powerful as she can be. Both people become stronger and more powerful—you’re making each other better than who you were as individuals.

And to those strong women out there:
• Don’t mistake “strength” for “bossiness.” It does not mean you’re weak if you keep your mouth shut over something unimportant.
• Ask for what you need from him but don’t force him. Let him meet you halfway.
• You’re not helpless if you let someone help you. Just because you allow someone to do it for you does not mean you can’t do it yourself.
• Never make yourself “smaller” just to make him feel better about himself. That’s when it’s time to find someone else.

Rebecca Harris
TXA 21 Relationship Expert
rebeccarobertsonharris.com
Twitter: @rebeccarharris

One of the most useful things you can do is develop relevant and timely questions for a job interview. Asking a nice balance of questions about the company, its culture, the position and the interviewer's background is a great way to leave a lasting impression.

 

We’re talking about questions that job seekers should ask during a job interview. Not just at the end, but the things that information you should lead with. Often there may be a statement rather than a question too.

 

Questions such as:

 

How did this position become available?
What qualifications did you see on my resume that you liked and what are some that you feel I lack?
I'm interested in a long-term career here, where can I move up to from this position?
(If this is not a brand new position) What are some areas that need improvement by the next person in this role?
(If this is a brand new position) What occurred that created a need for this new position?
What is the retention rate in this organization?
What are your expectations of a new person in this role?
(If this is a public company) What is the stock doing today? (but be careful on this one)

Where do you see the growth of this company in the next 10 years?

 

Statements such as:

 

Tell me about the culture of the company.

Please share with me how you got your job here and what you like most about it.

Tell me about the business philosophy of the executive leadership at this company.

Share with me what you see as your number one challenge in a day.

Tell me why someone would want to join your organization.

Tell me why you enjoy working and what gets you excited. 

 

 

Patty Revis
jobing.com
Follow Patty on Facebook

I love fall.   Fall means boots and boots are like comfort food for my feet.  This season's hottest boot trends are sassy.   I am sure you can find one for you!

 

I grew up in Texas and covet cowboy boots.  So I am so happy cowboy boots are hip this season.  There are now many different looks in cowboy boots:

 

The Classic Cowboy boot is back pretty strong.  Wear these with a great pair of faded boot cut jeans  or dark skinny jeans.  Create a sexy, sassy look wearing them with a long fall colored floral dress or with a pair leggings and a long plaid shirt.

 

Then we have the short Ankle Cowboy Boot.  I recommend you wear this the same way you would other ankle boots-  Short dresses and skirts with tights or leggings.

 

I have to say my all time favorite this season is the vintage "Cutoff Cowboy"  When I first saw it I was almost saddened or stunned by the fact that someone could take a real vintage cowboy boot and cut it off.    Then my inner hippie saw this as a great way to look in your closet and re-purpose some worn out boots.  If you try this let me know and send me some pics. Wear it with confidence and the same style you would the previous ankle boot.

 

Another fun trend this season carries over from last winter is the Motorcycle Boot.   The reason I chose this look is that it goes right along with some many other trends that have grommets, buckles and grit to them.  You will also see this in jewelry and handbags.  Wear this look with skinny jeans, tight mini skirts or if you happen to ride a Harley some faux leather pants.

 

Last but certainly not least is this seasons biggest boot trend.  It was seen all over the runways.  The Over the Knee Boot.  If you are old enough to remember the movie Pretty Woman with Julia Roberts you know the look I am talking about.  Yes, it has made it way into mainstream fashion with a huge bang.   Now I would not recommend you wear this to job interview or even in most work related settings but, this is what fun fashion is all about.   If you are a risk taker you need a pair of these.  I do caution you - most styles are made for skinny legged lean women.   I am not even sure I have the attitude to pull them off.  My 1980's inner child really wants to try though. 

 

Now is the time to try out these fun, sassy boot styles.  They are everywhere.  If you need help choosing I suggest you try out the Nordstrom's in your area.  They have a personal stylist hot-line https://secure.nordstrom.com/services/personal_touch.asp and would love to guide you to a look that right for you.

 

Danielle Armett

I got good news. Over 80% of economists in the United States say the recession is over. You can read all about in the newspaper, once you're finished using it as a blanket. So if your company is still firing people, it's just for the fun of it. In fact, according to the paper, things are so good the Obama administration is going to start paying the Taliban to switch sides over in Afghanistan. Each dissident will receive a hundred shares of Chrysler and a coupon for a free lamb kebab at Dennys. Some restrictions apply.

As you know, times are a little tough in Afghanistan what with the  sub-prime mortgage crisis and the collapse of the cave market. Lotta terrorists have had to move back in with their parents. Pretty sad.

But seriously, if you think paying the enemy to switch sides is stupid, well, in this day and age you're just gonna have to find yourself a more politically correct term. Personally, I like "elective non-comprehension".

But I think the really big story in the paper this past week was when tennis star Andre Agassi admitted to using drugs while playing on the professional tour. And that got me to thinking.  If Andre Agassi was doing crystal meth, what in the world was John McEnroe doing?

But anyway, the recession is over and I'm going to go celebrate and maybe even get a date. But I gotta be careful.  When you go out with people my age, you're just one bad relationship away from living with thirty cats.

 

Heywood Savage

Unfortunately, the worlds of politics, media celebrities, and big business are rife with multiple instances of lying. But in your own life, a liar can threaten your career, your love life and even your safety.

 

Why are liars so difficult to detect?

 

We all want to believe the liar. Good people with integrity want to believe that the other person is motivated by good intentions. We often fill in the “blanks” of information a liar omits in an effort to see him in a positive light. Tragic outcomes occur as a result. There has been a cultural shift legitimizing lying that is increasingly common in a complex world where the truth is often hidden.

 

Here are some common types of lies:

 

• Lies of Concealment: Lying by omitting facts is a common type of deceit that has a variety of different motivations. Examples include lying to protect someone’s feelings, to avoid an awkward moment, to manipulate someone to get your way and to intentionally deceive someone by omitting key facts. Unfortunately, these types of lies are easier to conceal if you don’t stretch the truth too much.

 

• Lies of Falsification: This lie misrepresents false information as if it were true. These are used especially when emotions must be concealed.

 

• Mis-Identifying the Cause of an Emotion: This lie acknowledges a feeling or gesture, but it lies about what brought it on. It’s a half-truth in that the felt emotion is accurate, but the person lies about the cause.

 

• Admitting the Truth with Misleading Exaggeration or Humor: This lie greatly exaggerates reality to make the other person think that it is obviously a lie. For instance, your child buys something for a few hundred dollars, but when you ask he mockingly replies, “Oh yeah, I spent a million dollars!” This hyperbole leads you to doubt the reality of your initial question.

 

You may not realize that lying is a two part process: both the words and the body language. You may be wondering what the most common type of facial cues liars use:

 

Smiling is the most common facial expression used to conceal deceit.  It is the easiest of all of the facial expressions to create without effort.

 

Is the Smile Sincere?:

 

• Study the Timing: If you think a smile is insincere, study the timing of the smile—it may be too sudden or too slow.

 

• Note the Length of the Smile and If It is Appropriate: The smile may also last too long and may not correlate with the content of the conversation.

 

• Note When He Smiles in the Conversation: Make sure that you study the location of the smile in the conversation. If it occurs too soon or too long after the verbiage, it may be contrived to mislead you.

 

Here’s why lies fail:       

 

Some people lie flawlessly and are difficult to catch due to their skill. They are able to control both their emotions and thoughts simultaneously.

 

However, there are several reasons why lies fail.

 

• Focus on Words and Face: Liars conceal and falsify what they think others are going to focus upon most closely. Most liars focus on their words first and their facial expressions second. Despite their best efforts, few liars are very good at monitoring their facial expressions effectively. The face is directly connected to the area of the brain involved in emotion. Muscles in the face begin to fire involuntarily.

 

• Ignores His Voice: Pauses that are too long and frequent speech errors are clues to lying. Liars are often unprepared to lie and their hesitation and stuttering attempts to falsify information are clues. Their voice pitch can be higher.

 

• Ignores the Difference Between Verbal and Non-Verbal: You can often catch a liar if you look for discrepancies between what he is saying (his words) and how he is saying the message with his non-verbal behavior, voice and facial expressions.

 

Here are tips to tell is someone is lying “in the moment” (some of these are drawn from the work of Gavin De Becker and Paul Eckman):

 

• Notice Breathing, Sweating and Swallowing: Changes in breathing or sweating (especially on the hands and upper lip), increased swallowing, and a very dry mouth are signs of strong emotions that can indicate lying.
• The Leaning Liar: Liars tend to lean to the side while standing or sitting and often have both of their arms or legs crossed.
• Shifty Eyes: Eye gaze that shifts rapidly side-to-side and downward.
• Too Many or Too Few Details: When someone is lying, they either provide too many details or they provide too few details. Either an excess or a lack of information is intended to deceive the listener and avoid questions.
• Technology Fuels Lies: Liars love to use the phone or email to lie. Directly confronting face to face is more complicated since they have to control both their words and actions to successfully deceive. In one study, 72% of lies were delivered electronically while only 27% were delivered in face-to-face encounters.
• Too Many Questions and Reassurances: Liars often ask for questions to be repeated to buy more time and they use phrases like, “you can trust me,” or “to be perfectly honest.” Liars intend to lull their targets into believing the illusion by appearing overly honest and transparent.

 

The bottom line is that you have to approach other people with an appropriate level of critical thinking. Lying is all too common. Taking someone else’s word without studying their behavior critically and without gaining more information about their history of honesty can be detrimental in the long run.

 

For information on this and Dr. Sylvia Gearing, please visit www.gearingup.com!

 

Sources:

 

“Telling Lies” by Paul Ekman

 

“The Gift of Fear” by Gavin De Becker

 

“How To Sniff Out A Liar” by Melanie Lindner, on Forbes.com

We've talked about how social media is a great place to connect with others and collect valuable information for your job search.  It seems it's catching on because there is more information than most of us knows what to do with!  Just like anything, to utilize it effectively you need a plan.

 

So here are a few tips to get you organized in the social media space:

 

- Create a topic list of what you want to learn about first. It may be a list of companies you want to learn about and keep track of; it may be a specific job title, or overall industries. Use this list to keep you on task in the social media world.

 

- Create filters wherever possible. One really great tool is TweetDeck. You can use TweetDeck to sift through Twitter. Create different columns with their search option (this allows you to see the tweets that include the keywords from the list you created in bullet point one). This way you only see what is relevant to your wants and needs.

 

- Use job email agents – Jobing.com allows you to have job postings emailed to you that fit certain criteria and keywords.

 

- Keep your networks relevant. When using social media outlets that allow you to create networks, keep contacts relevant as to not overload yourself (i.e. linked-in, Facebook, Twitter, etc). Sort these contacts to keep personal, family and job search related contacts separate.

 

- Always keep the privacy settings appropriate to your different networks and their intended purpose.

 

- There is such a thing as too much. Keep your social media relevant and focused. It is easy to go down the wrong trail and miss the tree while looking at the forest.

 

 

Patty Revis
jobing.com
Follow Patty on Facebook

With a fifty percent divorce rate, millions of Americans experience the agony of divorce each year. Dr. Sylvia Gearing discusses the top risk factors of breaking up, the secrets to staying together and what you can do tonight to make your relationship better.

 

Here are the latest findings on factors that lead to divorce:

 

A new study reveals the following risk factors:

 

• Difference in Age: Age differences between the partners are linked to marital instability. Couples in which the husband is two or more years younger than the wife are 53% more likely to break up.  Husbands nine or more years older are twice as likely to separate.

• Disagreement About Having Children: When the wife has a much stronger preference for having a child than the husband, there is twice the risk of separation.

• Women Tolerate Misery: There are distinct gender differences in tolerating misery. Women who are in difficult marriages tend to adapt to their husband’s negativity. In happy marriages, women initiate conversation to solve the problem. In contrast, men compartmentalize their angst until they are overwhelmed with it. Once they are aware of their unhappiness, they often leave the relationship.

Here’s how this new research compares to findings you already know about:

 

These findings are purely correlations and don’t explain the basic relationship patterns of breaking up. There are two major keys to staying together happily in a relationship.

 

• Repairing the Argument: If you cannot make up, agree to disagree, or change direction in real time, your relationship will eventually fold. If you get overwhelmed and fall into the Distance Isolation Cascade, your marriage is seriously threatened and your affection, no matter how great, will begin to erode.

• Avoiding Distance- Isolation Cascade: Pulling out of a fight through repairing the conflict and avoiding the Distance-Isolation Cascade are pivotal skills.

 Here are the progressive steps partners experience as the conflict progresses:

 

• Flooding: When an emotion becomes so overwhelming it takes over the emotional world of the person and the individual floods with anxiety and anger. If you cannot calm and soothe yourself and your partner, you cannot solve the problem at hand.

• Viewing Problems as Severe and Permanent: Viewing the problems in the marriage as unsolvable and never ending is a hallmark of impending breaking up.

• Decision to Work Problems Out Alone: Detachment is the final step in leaving a relationship. Eighty percent of divorced partners attribute the divorce to growing apart.

• Parallel Lives: Building a social infrastructure outside the marriage gives the person a place to land after breaking up.

• Loneliness: There is nothing lonelier in the world than remaining in a relationship when it is over. This outcome is especially difficult for women who are more willing to tolerate misery for a longer period of time.

 

Everybody wants to know the secrets of staying happily married. Although there’s no magic wand, here are my best tips for keeping your marriage magical:

 

• Accepting Influence: Although this marital skill is difficult to master, it is a key to making love last and building confidence in the relationship. Allowing your spouse to influence your opinion by finding the common ground, the common strategy and the compromise that always exists are important in de-escalating conflict.

• Gridlock: Sixty nine percent of issues are perpetual and are never solved. Masterful couples pull together to converse capably and respectfully around issues they disagree upon. Common ground and a shared solution are then possible.

• Overlooking the Negative: When marriages are new, we are all accepting and reinforcing of our partners. After 15 years, rates of satisfaction, adoration, shared activities decline precipitously in couples that divorce. In happy marriages that last, the couples show the reverse patterns. Increasing companionship, higher rates of satisfaction and adoration are all typical.

But if you want immediate results, try these strategies tonight:

 

There are two powerful antidotes to negativity that work every time:

 

• The Magic of Positive Emotions: Use positive emotions, words and behaviors to love your partner through conflict. Great couples use positive emotion judiciously in de-escalating disagreements. Kind words, a smile and humor all soothe the accelerating heart and calm the angry and resentful mind.

• Thirty Seconds a Day: According to marital research, just thirty seconds of positive emotion a day can change the direction of a love affair. “Thirty seconds of positivity a day amounts to 100 positive words a day: multiplied by 365 days a year, this comes to 36, 500 words –enough to fill a book of poetry.” John Gottman, Ph.D.

For more information about Dr. Sylvia, please visit www.gearingup.com!

 

Sources:

 

For More Information about Dr. Gearing, please go to www.gearingup.com

 

The Marriage Clinic, John Gottman, Ph.D.

 

What’s Love Got to Do With It? Dr. Rebecca Kippen, Professor Bruce Chapman, Dr. Peng Yu

 

Dr. Sylvia Gearing